I’m Afraid of the Ocean

I’m afraid of the ocean.

The deep blue shades that mix and twirl with greens and gray, black and more blues

the sparkling sheen that comes with the sun reflecting across the ever-changing surface.

I’m afraid of the salty sting that prickles my legs as I wade into the water

as the cuts that lie so exposed are hit again and again

water crashing just a little bit deeper into the wounds

ones that can’t seem to heal

but I can’t seem to not believe that they will

that by exposing my pain again and again to the elements

that somehow it’ll just get better.

I’m afraid of the lack of clarity

of the possibility of creatures swimming in the depths of the unknown

of the murkiness that clouds my vision

shadows of darkness pass me by and who knows if it’s a shark

It’s beside the point that in all likelihood my fear is the biggest emotion in the expanse

that the fact that I’m scared, much outweighs the possibility that I’m okay

that nothing is coming to harm me 

that despite my best efforts to convince myself that something is in fact wrong 

nothing really is.

I’m afraid that with a harsh wave I’ll be swept into the current and battered around

that little to my knowledge it’s just a lesson in making me tougher

in exposing me to the elements

in letting me drown a little bit so the next time it happens I know what’s supposed to come.

I’m afraid that I’ll swim out and the riptide will take me too far

that the comfort with which I had on shore

the solidity that standing on solid ground brought me 

it’ll go away and be a far memory in my mind 

because the lull of the water will never be constant

it will always change.

I’m afraid that I’ll swim out and no one will come to save me

that I’ll flip and flail in the water and no one will swim to find me

that my presence was truthfully the burden I believed it was on those around me

that despite my every effort to be liked

to fit in

to be normal

my cover didn’t work

because no one’s coming to save me.

I’m afraid of the ocean because what if it’s just me and the ocean?

What if there’s no one to talk to, but the world around me?

What if I have to tell the expanse of blue that I’m afraid that I’m 

not 

enough?

That there’s something about my personality that doesn’t sparkle enough to be shiny.

That my voice lilts in the wrong ways, that it swims and soars but only to cause annoyance instead of intrigue.

That I’ll forever be a great first impression because it’s pretty to go to the beach, but not pretty enough to stay.

So yeah, it’s kinda hard to say,

but I’m afraid of the ocean.