You look through me
I meet you for the first time. I’ve seen your photo just like you’ve seen mine. Except there’s a difference. I look at you, and I see you. I see your laugh lines, and worry lines, I see the way you hold yourself. I see the resemblance to the photo I studied. I studied it because it’s so easy to imagine the idea of you. Someone who cares, shows up, someone who is so distinctly for me. Yet you look at me, and you see through me. You see an absence of a person, and the presence of an object. Something for your personal pleasure, for your advantage, your gain. I am nothing to you but a face and a body. I am nothing with aspiration, or dreams, or ideas. Maybe you don’t even see my face, because you don’t see me at all. You look through me like I am absolutely nothing.
I can take this, this disrespect. I’m used to it at this point. I’m used to being assigned a value and a worth in the eyes of those who think they hold so much power. Is there a problem? Yes. But not one that truly bothers me.
You met her for the first time and you didn’t see her either. Except this time it wasn’t me. You met her and she thought you looked at her face because not everyone has learned this sad tale. Some people walk through the world with hope, with happiness, with so much goodness. You took advantage of that. You took her as an object and she stepped up to bat thinking you both were playing the same game. Except you aren’t. You have a different rule book than she does and this time it bothers me. This time I can’t deal with that. Because why are you lying and looking for other people. Why are you searching for connection when all you want is validation. You are disrespecting her, so deeply.
And I.
Can’t.
Take It.
Who are you to have an opportunity with one of the most creative, smart, thoughtful, insightful people I’ve ever met. And you squander that! How dare you. How dare you perpetuate a vicious cycle of pretending that it doesn’t affect you. That meeting someone new, searching, endlessly, putting yourself in such an unemotional, connectionless situation doesn’t hurt you too. I don’t doubt that you would deny it made any impact on you. I don’t doubt you put on your brave, manly, face, and show no weakness. I don’t doubt that for one moment. But that’s not what I’m talking about. How do you feel? How do you feel when you lie to somebody? How do you feel when you’re rejected? When you have to sit with the fact that you didn’t live up to someone else’s expectations. I know it hurts just as much, so why do you choose to inflict that same pain on someone else in such an intentional manner? I hope you heal. I really do. If you’re going to fall, fall, but don’t
drag
her
down
with you.
